Elderly Parent Dating Concerns: What My Dad’s Love Life Taught Me About Listening
A year after my mom died, my dad started dating. When his courtship started, he was 74. His girlfriend was 61. He’s a retired homeowner. His girlfriend’s an unemployed card dealer. He’s in-love. She’s…homeless.
And then she moved in with him.
It was Thanksgiving weekend. The month prior my dad dyed his hair light brown. She said it made him look younger. When he was younger, my dad wore torn jeans, had a missing tooth, and went years without a haircut. Pragmatism was valued. Characteristically, the dye job was out of left field.
And then he moved a second homeless person in with them.
This time it was a man. They’re all friends, my dad told me. And they all met at the casino. Neither paid rent, but his roommate cleaned while his girlfriend brought food. She shared her casino-card, my dad said, with another acquaintance who played high-stakes poker games. That’s how she earned points for meals.
Three’s company. And I’m suspicious…
And yet my dad seemed fine. When I tried talking about it, however, he got cagey. Communication stopped. Maybe I’m too aggressive.
Mostly, I tell you this because these are some things that can happen after the death of one parent if you’re lucky enough to have a second one living.
Why this matters: In order to better the communication, I tried something new. The other day I called my dad and simply stayed on the phone. No tough questions. Just company. As he worked on the computer, made lunch, printed a document, and watched his stocks on CNBC, we talked.
Listen, I’m not saying ignore your suspicions. But I am saying we’re all clinging to a flying rock in space. It’s amazing what we do to deal.
Everyone needs to be heard. Especially when you think what they’re doing is bananas. If nothing else, listening is a solid first step.
ADDENDUM: A lot has happened since I wrote this. There’s much more to the story. Most of all, stay connected. While my dad may cringe at being described this way, the elderly are vulnerable. Even if you just listen, your presence helps.
A book that changed my nature: Second Nature: A Gardener’s Education by Michael Pollan
In Second Nature, Michael Pollan blends memoir, history, and philosophical inquiry as he follows his journey from budding (see what I did there?) gardener to steward of the land. Though a less popular title from this popular writer, here Pollan explores the complex relationship between humans and nature, challenging traditional ideas of wilderness and cultivation. Plus, he delves into the ethics of gardening, the power dynamics of weeds and pests, and the personal satisfaction of creating a second space no matter how small. In total, I’d highly recommend Second Nature for the naturalist (if such a thing exists) in you. After, you’ll see neither your nature nor your garden’s as natural.
A resource that changed my health: Peloton!
Peloton is my fitness secret weapon. Without question, I’ve leveraged it to change my body. And while they’re known for their sleek, high-tech equipment — such as the Bike and Tread — Peloton also offers an expansive library of live and on-demand classes. It’s these classes (plus their instructors) that make Peloton exceptional.
If you find the equipment intimidating, you can take their classes from an app on your phone. My wife and I used to take their classes at the gym. And if you’d like to try it out, go here to try the app for 60 days for free. This isn’t an affiliate link. It’s just genuine fandom. Please enjoy!
